The Mental Illness Happy Hour

I can't let another day go by without sharing about Paul Gilmartin's podcast The Mental Illness Happy Hour.  I just discovered this a few months ago when there was an article about it in The Atlantic Monthly, and it has helped me on so many levels that I'm afraid of not doing it justice by describing it.

Paul Gilmartin is a comedian and recovering alcoholic who also has depression.  In this free podcast, he interviews other comedians (many of whom, it turns out, are nutjobs) and the occasional civilian, encouraging them to talk about their mental illness and share their worst fears and childhood memories.

Here's a link to his website:  www.mentalpod.com

You can download the podcasts from there or from iTunes for free.  He also has a blog on the website and forums for people to talk about mental illness.

"You are not alone," is proclaimed at the top of the home page at mentalpod, and that is certainly the greatest gift I have received from listening to his podcast.  The candor with which Paul and his guests share about the crazy thoughts that go on in their heads is a balm to my lonely disease. 

It's also helped a great deal on my journey towards accepting that I have a mental illness.  Mental illness is discussed with such frankness that one would think that there is no stigma attached to the proud ownership of a mood disorder.

Thanks to Paul and all who make this podcast happen.  I think you are doing a great service.

Melancholic Monster

A huge part of my getting on the road to recovery from depression has been the seemingly simple, but truly formidable, problem of accepting that I have a serious mental illness.  Without that, I cannot take responsibility for my mental health.    

There are myriad social and psychological reasons why this is has been so difficult.  The name of the disease doesn't help matters.  I'm with William Styron, as he says in his memoir of depression, Darkness Visible,

                    "Melancholia would still appear to be a far more apt and evocative word for 

                  the blacker forms of the disorder, but it was usurped by a noun with a bland

                  tonality and lacking any magisterial presence, used indifferently to describe an

                  economic downturn or a rut in the ground, a true wimp of a word for such a 

                  major illness."

It seems like everyone is on antidepressants these days, and they may be overprescribed, but that doesn't change the fact that some people have a serious and potentially fatal physical illness and need the drugs.

One of the first steps toward acceptance for me was taking a simple online depression test.  I took a few.  All of them said I was severely depressed.  The questions read like a list of problems I'd had all of my life.  

Chronic insomnia, suicidal thoughts and actions, crying all the time, procrastination, oversleeping when I finally do get to sleep, weight gain from trying to comfort myself with food, isolating from friends and family, never feeling like I'm good enough or even am enough to have the things I want in life, feeling like I'm imprisoned behind a brick wall in my mind while desperately wishing to connect with and be comforted by other people... the list can go on, but I'll stop here...  It seems like I've had these symptoms in some form since I was ten years old.  I have Major Depressive Disorder.  I'm not just overly sensitive and take things too seriously.  My brain does not always produce the happy chemicals like normal brains do.

Oh, and P.S. – My grandfather committed suicide.  Hello.

More free help:

I was at NYS Psychiatric Inst. yesterday for my follow-up interviews and found some info that will simplify looking for a clinical trial.  Columbia/NYSPI has a website just for the depression trials.

You can find it here:  Depression Trials

They have medication and non-medicated trials listed here.  There's one trial that's for people with treatment-resistant depression, which is great. 

It looks like you can also just call the phone number on the page to find which trial would best suit your needs. 

Free Psychiatric Help #1

Every time I start writing this post, I either start talking too much about myself or giving too much advice. I can see it's going to be a balancing act to keep myself away from both of these tendencies.  I want this blog to be about sharing things that have helped me get better without telling people what they should do or blabbing on and on about my life.  So, with that in mind...

Last year, when I found myself planning my suicide, I also found out that my insurance company had dropped my mental health coverage, ironically, as a result of the Mental Health Parity Act.  (The irony compounded by the fact that I'm desperately seeking help whilst being obsessed with ending my life.)  

After the fog of frustration lifted, I had the thought that I do live in New York City (which some consider a socialist city-state), so there must be low-cost or free mental health care out there somewhere.  I googled "free mental health care nyc" and got a link for clinical studies at Columbia and the NYS Psychiatric Institute.  

Here it is for you:  Free Clinical Studies

Click on "Find Clinical Studies" and you will be taken to a search screen.  Check "Studies Offering Treatment" and "Outpatient" and click on "Search."

This will show you all the relevant studies available today.  Read through until you find one that you think can help.  I was lucky to find one that was testing the efficacy of Paxil vs. Wellbutrin on suicidality last year.  That study seems to be over, but I notice that there is one that is studying brain imagery before and after antidepressant medication, so that must mean that you will be given antidepressants for free for a period of time and brain scans before and after the treatment.  If you are only looking for psychotherapy, there are different trials for that, too.  If you're not sure what will help you, they have a hotline number on the webpage that you can call and someone can help you find a trial.

There is usually a phone interview to see if you are eligible for the trial.  During my trial, I was given great care by the doctors in charge.  I was definitely cared for like a patient, not an experiment.  I am still here because of their care.

Now:  If you don't live in the NYC area, you can do the same Google search wherever you are: "Free mental health care yourcityhere."  There are teaching hospitals and university programs all over the country.

I know how hard it is to fight for your life and ask for help when your mental illness is telling you that you're better off dead.

Do it anyway.  Depression is real.  Get help.  You are worth it.  

Intros

Who am I?  I am a forty-something woman in a long, slow recovery from depression.  I have major depressive disorder with chronic suicidality.  If you feel like you should call the police and send them to my place, then you don't get it.  Don't worry.  I'm taking responsibility for my mental health these days.  I'm finally on a medication that seems to suit me, I eat a healthy diet, and I'm in private and group therapy (much of which is free). 

I also place my ear on the interwebs to find anything that can help me stay afloat.  I find myself sharing these things with friends who are also struggling to claw their way out of the abyss.  While there are many well-written and valuable blogs where the author shares their experience of depression, I felt that I could add my voice to the sphere by sharing things that have helped me on my road to recovery. 

Depression tells us we are alone in the depths, but like the proverbial teacher who shows up when the student is ready, the more I look for help in the world, the more lifejackets I find being thrown my way.  I don’t think I’ve completely recovered from this last, worst depression, but I am so, so much better than the suicidal panic I was in a year ago.  I am mostly better, but after being incapacitated for a year, I am slightly at a loss as to how to proceed with my life.  This blog is one way I plan to get moving.  I need all the help I can get.  I bet you do, too.  

I'm not a doctor or therapist.  I'm an unemployed crazy person who could have died last year, but made it out alive somehow.  I may be woebegone, but I am somehow optimistic that I will find a way to have a happy life with my dysfunctional brain chemistry.  Maybe we can do it together.